This is who I am right now, not who I will be
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I tried to commit suicide 2 months ago because I had nothing left.
Growing up, I had always figured out another way of doing things by personal opinion and argument. If I felt accosted, I got mad; if got treated differently, I got sad. I got really mad and really sad for a long time until I beat the system. I became popular, beautiful, well-liked, and respected. I turned heads and asked for discretion against others with demand. Then, for some abrupt reason, I realized I had done a really good job at fooling everyone. I also realized that I just let the cards drop...then there was no turning back.
12 years later, I sit in the bedroom in my parent's house and lack the ability to figure out what or why things happened. I've gone through eating disorders, alcohol abuse, agoraphobia, smoking multiple packs of cigarettes a day, obsessive work compulsion, multiple friend relationships, multiple intimate relationships, constant moving in and out of apartments, car crashes, paranoia episodes, anxiety attacks, sudden phobia attacks that never existed before, OCD relationships, denial, and even potential lies that I still do not know if they were true or not. I became the epitome of depression, repression, and instant gratification.
I wanted to kill myself mainly because people believed in me and I always assumed that I would let them down. I was scared of failing and so scared of succeeding, that my black or white thinking just spiraled. I forgot who I was, who I could be, or why I was brought to life.
Today I do not feel much better, but I am working at it. I am being forced to deal with emotions and misery without losing my mind; I have to accept that I am no longer just fighting to be an entity.
Depression and sadness has given me this frostbite of sensations. I am sick, but I am trying to force myself to not just let go. If this the fight for my life, anger and sadness will always be my biggest hurdles.
This is who I am right now, not who I will be.
This recovery story is in categories: Depression